The Year of Learning How to Surrender
This past year and culminating winter held me in a humbling surrender to depths of healing that I’ve sought all my life. I have asked, prayed, begged, and called for these pieces probably all my life and beyond. I cannot be surprised the Universe delivered – indeed I am beyond grateful! It remains my sincere prayer each day for all of us to allow ourselves to heal on the levels needed to bring balance and a new way of living on this planet in the timing that is needed. Health, healing, and wellness in the bodies and souls of all humanity and in the collective of all beings of Gaia – this is my desire and my prayer.
As a result of my yearnings and various actions or steps I have had the courage and the privilege to take I move further into love. I am remembering the frequencies of compassion and the germinating seeds of integration with the divine feminine and divine masculine within, my child Self, and on base levels within my body. 2017 was a big year of being willing to let go. In my humanness I’ll admit I was a little messy. I am gratefully and stubbornly learning and growing through my lessons. In the past nine-months I have been shown my short-comings, a deepening ability to tell myself the truth, and in response a capacity to love myself with equanimity. For me, this is Resilience. One of life’s greatest gifts. As either of these pillars of truth or compassion extends, clarifies, or unfurls, the other “miraculously” arrives with a polar force for some new level of “break-through”. After coming face to face with lessons and large pieces of growth I am learning to discern, to lay down more of my ego and re-build my nervous system from years of neglect and imbalance.
2018 and the Year of Re-Weaving
Re-birth and personal growth is already a very big theme in 2018, probably for all of us and more than we realize, but particularly for me as we approach the time of my actual birth – the spring Equinox and the end and beginning of the zodiac calendar. I have asked for 2018 to bring me Discernment and the ability to master the concept of balance. I have received the message that 2018 will be about Knowledge – the knowledge I need to integrate so I can discern my way forward towards balance and personal liberation. I also feel like I am beginning the process of knowing who I am all over again; re-weaving the tapestry of my life. A life or Self having gone through an alchemical purgation of a brightly burning summer and the equal response of a dissolving and distilling watery winter. I am learning to let the layers of the past go one by one. Many by many. Acknowledging, accepting, understanding, finding balance from new heights and new depths. Fulfilling desires for a deeply felt sense of forgiveness and love – literally here in this body – so help me God. I feel a visceral re-birthing of my body and my child self.
And of course all of this precisely on time as I begin the process of Universal Kabbalah ascension once more in March and a journey available to anyone who wishes for transformation: (http://athomeinthesoul.com/classes-and-events/). Another unforgettable and absolutely exciting journey-of-joy-filled-growth-to-be of remembering who I am with the reflection of the Tree of Life above, below, within, and all around.
Amidst last summer’s stewing silence of meditation and a fall and winter’s mixed chaos and bliss, new thoughts are emergent this spring. Thoughts I am asking myself in new ways. Words I am ready to hear from a higher parent I have not let in until perhaps now. Questions like:
What is the present nature of my cup and what is the truer nature of its unrealized potential?
What kind of container have I been holding or tightly grasping with clenched teeth – is it healthy, in balance, or how deeply have fear and co-dependence rooted?
What does it really feel like to be alive, energetic, creative, and fulfilled amongst All of me?
Do I actually know the sacred sensations of a fully Ensouled body?
Am I feeling or am I numb and stuck?
I’m not just asking how full or empty, heavy or light is my cup in a conceptual way – it’s even more foundational. Questions asked from a density perspective and observed knowledge.
If like a tree, the physical and subtle bodies contain rings of the past as a legacy of exposure and experience have I truly accepted all of this legacy with a passionate intimacy? Is the wiring of my mind-body connected and operating that I can safely, gently, and freely download the knowledge and flow the Light I am here to receive and serve with this year let alone this lifetime? Are the royal, resilient, weathered, and fractured parts of my very physical body and soul body – this life’s rings around the sun – prepared to enter fully and deeply into union with the fully grounded nature and innate wisdom of a body?
Death of the negative ego and Birth of the Adult and Child
Honestly, it’s both a patient and impatient examination. I get frustrated with this world, with myself, with time, with the job market, the financial struggle, with places that remain sticky, and have to take time outs. It’s a deeply and long-held desire for spiritual freedom on the planet. Certainly within me and a strong underlying thread of a long-ago agreed upon MISSION that if I do it, so can you. It is beyond possible – it is in fact our destiny! My liberation is yours and yours – mine. Freedom through many paths, and in my case an ancient and rewarding path of individual progression laid before us some 3500 years ago by the wisest most actualized of their time. A path of return tested and weathered through the bodies and minds of some of the greatest souls of history and modern times. Freedom through the beautiful doorways of initiation and great tools of empowerment from the royal lineage of King Salomon the Wise. There are windows of liberation in the moments of uniting within myself – body, soul, and spirit – with deeper and deeper breaths along the way. A tapestry of progression from reaching for a myriad of other tools, techniques, and wisdom of traditions from the East and West while remembering that oh yeah I also just need to live this life – to create, to celebrate, to love and cherish everything. A marriage of the vertical and the horizontal aspects of my multi-dimensional truer nature of which I remain wide-eyed and anticipatory. I am an eternal spiritual being coming to grips with legacies of my past held within my physical form. A form woven with trauma and tears, hysterical laughter, passionate loving, innocence, intuitive knowing, and such pure goodness, all the dark and all the light – being seived through the veils of denial, betrayal, mistrust, and separation to something of truer substance and essence. Acknowledging more of the masks I wear, I break free of more of my harsh judgements, illusory perceptions, and rigid opinions. Surrendering to the polarity of letting go of attachment to control and becoming something more than my ego’s confines and conformity. Courage and change are my boat and my oars. As the rhythm of waves and stillness come, more and more of me is in agreement and I feel Joy. No prescribed pills or commercial definition of happiness but at last glimmers of MY JOY – joy that comes from knowledge of God and true Service to myself and to others.
The body contains all the blueprints, and the soul the seeds of the universe, of God, and the greatest wisdom we either listen to or don’t. I am ready to listen now. Integration contains and begets Beauty – the kind that in a single moment of very pure emotion and thought can send ripples or waves of bliss into your body and involuntary mudras into your hands.
I know because it has happened to me. Integration contains the steps and the path into real power, real ownership and authority, real liberation, and the refining stages of spiritual adulthood. The process is pleasurable, blissful, surprising, uncomfortable, humbling, and rewarding. This is only one perspective – mine. This is only one moment’s reflection of life looking up at a setting sun, an array of clouds, and an eternity of stars in an immensity of sky – from my eyes.
There is more, so you tell me – what’s your buy in to our collective journey? Where are you listening within your whole being? When you surrender what do you feel, what do you smell, taste, hear, or see? What fruits have come of your harvests from the God or Goddess and Golden child within you you’ve always known are there and that could perhaps someday emerge if the “right” circumstances were present. When will you choose to take a chance or a leap and re-emerge amidst earth’s on-going messages to let go and free ourselves?
For those whose little ones were hurt at some point along the way. Those who as children dreamt and imagined and daydreamed and existed in their entire beings only to come crashing traumatically into this worldly reality from those years of dysfunction, shame, and indoctrination – all of which left their marks on the tree…for those who left their bodies for a little while, who numbed out, who put on the façade of protection because they were scared – I understand. I love and accept you.
Offering these rather revealing and transforming words from Charles C. Finn that cut right the heart of the matter where no one and no-thing is hidden once we are ready and willing to surrender to the light of who we really are.
Please Hear What I’m Not Saying
Don’t be fooled by me.
Don’t be fooled by the face I wear
for I wear a mask, a thousand masks,
masks that I’m afraid to take off,
and none of them is me.
Pretending is an art that’s second nature with me,
but don’t be fooled,
for God’s sake don’t be fooled.
I give you the impression that I’m secure,
that all is sunny and unruffled with me, within as well as without,
that confidence is my name and coolness my game,
that the water’s calm and I’m in command
and that I need no one,
but don’t believe me.
My surface may seem smooth but my surface is my mask,
ever-varying and ever-concealing.
Beneath lies no complacence.
Beneath lies confusion, and fear, and aloneness.
But I hide this. I don’t want anybody to know it.
I panic at the thought of my weakness exposed.
That’s why I frantically create a mask to hide behind,
a nonchalant sophisticated facade,
to help me pretend,
to shield me from the glance that knows.
But such a glance is precisely my salvation, my only hope,
and I know it.
That is, if it’s followed by acceptance,
if it’s followed by love.
It’s the only thing that can liberate me from myself,
from my own self-built prison walls,
from the barriers I so painstakingly erect.
It’s the only thing that will assure me
of what I can’t assure myself,
that I’m really worth something.
But I don’t tell you this. I don’t dare to, I’m afraid to.
I’m afraid your glance will not be followed by acceptance,
will not be followed by love.
I’m afraid you’ll think less of me,
that you’ll laugh, and your laugh would kill me.
I’m afraid that deep-down I’m nothing
and that you will see this and reject me.
So I play my game, my desperate pretending game,
with a facade of assurance without
and a trembling child within.
So begins the glittering but empty parade of masks,
and my life becomes a front.
I idly chatter to you in the suave tones of surface talk.
I tell you everything that’s really nothing,
and nothing of what’s everything,
of what’s crying within me.
So when I’m going through my routine
do not be fooled by what I’m saying.
Please listen carefully and try to hear what I’m not saying,
what I’d like to be able to say,
what for survival I need to say,
but what I can’t say.
I don’t like hiding.
I don’t like playing superficial phony games.
I want to stop playing them.
I want to be genuine and spontaneous and me
but you’ve got to help me.
You’ve got to hold out your hand
even when that’s the last thing I seem to want.
Only you can wipe away from my eyes
the blank stare of the breathing dead.
Only you can call me into aliveness.
Each time you’re kind, and gentle, and encouraging,
each time you try to understand because you really care,
my heart begins to grow wings–
very small wings,
very feeble wings,
With your power to touch me into feeling
you can breathe life into me.
I want you to know that.
I want you to know how important you are to me,
how you can be a creator–an honest-to-God creator–
of the person that is me
if you choose to.
You alone can break down the wall behind which I tremble,
you alone can remove my mask,
you alone can release me from my shadow-world of panic,
from my lonely prison,
if you choose to.
Please choose to.
Do not pass me by.
It will not be easy for you.
A long conviction of worthlessness builds strong walls.
The nearer you approach to me the blinder I may strike back.
It’s irrational, but despite what the books say about man
often I am irrational.
I fight against the very thing I cry out for.
But I am told that love is stronger than strong walls
and in this lies my hope.
Please try to beat down those walls
with firm hands but with gentle hands
for a child is very sensitive.
Who am I, you may wonder?
I am someone you know very well.
For I am every man you meet
and I am every woman you meet.
Charles C. Finn